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Old 01-03-2008, 06:39 AM   #11
Travis Hall
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Re: Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derek Maffett View Post
I suppose this just goes to show how sad that place really is, but... is that a true story?
I don't know. Maybe a hint of truth... but I doubt 12 billion dollars worth of truth. Funny though!
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Old 01-03-2008, 12:50 PM   #12
John Seiler
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Re: Jokes

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing pants made of Saran Wrap. The doctor looks at him and said, "I can clearly see you're [your] nuts."

-----------------------------------------------

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"


Seriously, I could do this until my keyboard breaks...
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Last edited by John Seiler : 01-03-2008 at 12:58 PM.
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Old 01-03-2008, 01:36 PM   #13
Sean McMaster
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Re: Jokes

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme some medicated lip balm - and put it on my bill!"

______________________________________

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge ship's wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers and proceeds to order a pint of grog.
As the pirate swigs his brew, the bartender can't help but ask, "Excuse me, but what in the world is that ship's wheel doing in your pants?"
The pirate glances down, then back at the bartender and exclaims, "Yarr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:07 PM   #14
Travis Hall
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Re: Jokes

A long one:

While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down. When the doors open again, the politician finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich back on Earth. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly and spends his time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hug and waves while the elevator takes him up. The elevator goes up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
The next 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours are finished and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator down he goes into Hell. Now- the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's smouldering hot and the odor is horrible.
As the politician looks around bewildered and hot and miserable, the Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club. We ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is this wasteland full of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the politician, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

---

and a bad one:

A Duck walks into a grocery store. He goes up to one of the cahiers and says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any grapes?”
The cashier replies, “No. I’m sorry we don’t carry grapes here.” The duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the store. He goes up to the same cahier and says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any grapes?”
The cashier again tells the ducks that they do not have any grapes. The duck turns and leaves without another word.
The next day the duck returns to the store again. He goes up to the same cahier and says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any grapes?”
The cashier becoming quite annoyed replies, “We do not carry grapes. We have never had grapes in stock. Do you understand?” The duck says nothing and leaves the store.
The next day the duck returns to the store. He goes up to the same cahier and again says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any grapes?”
The cashier explodes, “Listen you crazy duck- we don’t have any damn grapes! If you come in here again and ask me about grapes I’m going to nail your bloody webbed feet to the floor and beat you senseless with a loaf of bologna!” the duck calmly turns around and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the store. He again goes up to the same cahier. This time he says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any nails?”
The cashier studies the duck for second before replying, “No”
“Good,” the duck says, “Do you have any grapes?”


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Old 01-03-2008, 09:00 PM   #15
Stefan Borovina
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Re: Jokes

A guy walks into a dentist's office late one night and says to the dentist "Doc you gotta help me... I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist says "Well I would like to help you... but I am a dentist. I can fix your teeth, but you need mental help. You should see a shrink."

The guy sighs, turns around and begins to walk out of the office.

The dentist stops him and asked "Out of curiousity, why on earth did you come to my office for this problem?"

The guy says: "You had your light on."
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:24 AM   #16
Aileen Reid
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Re: Jokes

I had trouble finding clean ones!

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great
physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes
off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had
to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom,
and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help so far." The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the
man. "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen
to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,
which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Old 01-05-2008, 02:02 AM   #17
Stefan Borovina
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Re: Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says "You got a drink named Stanley??"

******

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink, and takes a salamander out of his pocket.

The bartender gives him a drink and asks "Is that a salamander??"

Guy says "Yep."

Bartender asks "Whats his name?"

Guys says "Tiny"

Bartender asks "Why would you name a salamander Tiny??"

Guy says "Because he's My Newt." (say it out loud if you don't get it)


Clearly I have too much time on my hands.
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Old 01-05-2008, 03:41 AM   #18
Jacob Levin
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Re: Jokes

A 95-year-old man walks into his doctor's office for a checkup. He's still pretty spry and alert, and the doctor's pretty impressed. He asks him how he's feeling.

"Oh, man, I feel great! I can still think, I can still climb stairs, I go for a walk every morning, and I just got my 20-year-old girlfriend pregnant!"

The doctor sits for a minute, scratching his chin. He says, "Let me tell you a story. A guy lives in the woods, and every day he either goes hunting or walking. On one side of his door is a rifle and the other is a walking-stick. Now, one day, he goes hunting but picks up his walking-stick instead. This wouldn't be a big deal, except he runs into a big black bear. As the bear charges him, he panics, points his cane at it, and yells BANG! The bear falls over dead."

The old man sits for a minute and says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot the bear."

The doctor pats him on the arm and says "Exactly."
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Old 01-05-2008, 10:02 AM   #19
Travis Hall
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Re: Jokes



Good stuff everyone!

It is hard to find clean jokes. Maybe we can use wfs/nwfs above the jokes? Any of the mods reading- would this be acceptable?
On that note- what is the limit of pg-13?
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Old 01-05-2008, 04:12 PM   #20
John Seiler
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Re: Jokes

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms." The mushroom says, "C'mon, I'm a fun guy (fungi)".

So this baby seal walks into a club.
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