The bipolar symptoms definitely ring a bell, i'm prone to rapid -read instantaneous- mood shifts when i feel threatened, stressed, nervous, or revved up. just ask my wife and kids... to be honest, seeking help is as much for their benefit as my own, as my wife has to deal with enough already with four young children as well as me either climbing the walls and snapping at the slightest provocation, then withdrawing into my shell in shame and guilt for hours or days or weeks. And my poor little kids just don't understand why Dad swings from one extreme to another, with no 'good Dad' in between - just 'bad Dad' in varying degrees
Don't get me wrong, i am against medication on principle - i am not suffering a deficiency of Ritalin, or similar- but acceptance of my condition means accepting that all have my attempts so far have simply resulted in things getting worse, and that i have run out of ideas and energy, and this is affecting others, not just me. If i were single and childless, i would probably just soldier on, i'm big enough and tough enough to look after myself...just... but i can't spread it any thinner, and everyone is suffering
The cannabis, like other meds, evens out the highs and lows, and makes me sleep more than soundly.
Off it, i'm confronted by a different me, who is thinking and moving so fast that i can't stop my sharp tongue and over the top responses to any perceived slight, even as they happen before my eyes.
I guess this is how paranoia plays out for me... not the 'people are watching me' type, but the lightning quick, flinch-like out-of-order responses because on some level i feel threatened and out of control
My maternal grandfather and one uncle are the same, so i have had the double-dose of repeated exposure to this behaviour in strong male role models in my formative years, as well as possible hereditary links....great
And yes, the 'feeling better, go off the meds' rings a bell too...in the past when i have quit, for extended periods of weeks or a couple of months, i 'start feeling better' and think to myself 'i've got it under control now; a little puff might be just the thing...!', and away we go again
...whew... again, dunno where this is heading, but theres a bit more of the bigger picture...