Re: Seeking advice for the severely gravitationally challenged
Glad to see you here!
All I can offer is that, as a desk-liver who really started padding my arse over the winter, a mild low-time, low-strength version of CrossFit has made a LOT of difference in my metabolism.
Start slow and see what your body tells you before you decide to keep going, get hardcore, or back off and use a different program for a while. I'm still doing the beginner's workouts from BrandX and they're great for scaling.