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Amanda Rappuhn 12-11-2013 01:13 PM

CF and relationships
 
This has been posted before and I definitely read a few, but none even come close as to what I'm experiencing and definitely need some encouragement or general advice.

I started crossfit and I shortly fell in love with it, and all fitness aspects, but in the beginning my boyfriend was pretty supportive and now that has completely stopped. I'm not sure what it is? I agreed to not go to a cf box because it was putting a strain on the relationship so I started doing as much at home as I could. Then I go to a globo gym (Lifetime) and while they are very encouraging about lifting and these types of movements it definitely is nothing like my box. I miss it everyday I'm not there, but I still try to stick to their daily schedules.

We have been dating and living together for almost four years now. I've been pursuing a healthier life ever since we met and now it's almost as if I'm "taking it too far" with everything. That would include the eating aspect as well. I want him to be healthy with me, but he refuses and makes it hard for me to do something that finally makes sense to me in a more personal way then physical. He compares it to a cult, but realistically I don't see that and get kind of beaten down. The strange part is that his brother is a personal trainer and he always encourages him, but I've never really seen him interested that way with me. Even with my muscle progress, if I am really excited about it and want to show him he often says no.

So, I then asked if we could start setting up a home gym and that's been brushed off countless times. One of his buddies offered him to come look at some free workout equipment and even getting him to look at that is impossible. At this point I'm pretty lost because within the nutritional aspect I would genuinely love to build a career surrounding it, but I can't see reaching full potential with someone who thinks because he was in his "prime" and a state wrestler in high school that it's a waste of time to have interests in that now or to take it as seriously as I would like too.

I don't know if this is even where I'm supposed to post this and honestly it's quite a lot so if you read this then thank you and if not that's cool too. Any advice would be appreciated. I obviously don't want to end a relationship that I've put a lot of work into, but at the same time I'm starting to feel defeated and it's getting harder to stay so motivated.

Kristin Bowers 12-11-2013 01:26 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Not to sound to harsh but:

Do you need his permission to have hobbies? Especially ones that are healthy for you?

Is this man worth giving up a huge part of yourself for?

Do you really want to be with someone who isn't going to support you in whatever you choose to do? (whether it is to stay fit or to go to school or to change jobs etc.)

I am not saying choose CrossFit over your man but there are some warning signs in your post that do not seem at all healthy to me.

my 2 cents

Amanda Rappuhn 12-11-2013 01:35 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
I don't need his permission, but I definitely think it's hard to pick something over a person who has been very involved in your life and has been a positive inuence. More positive then any of my family or friends ever have been. This is why it is so strange to me that it's a constant battle almost. He also is very old fashioned when it comes to relationships as he provides and I am the homemaker. I have no problems with that, but now I definitely slack on my duties because I'm pretty upset that my words seem as if they don't even make a dent whenever fitness or health is on my mind. If I want to talk about cleaning or hunting or politics then he's all for it.

Jeff Enge 12-11-2013 01:41 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
So, I'm possibly misunderstanding this:

Are you saying he's unreceptive to you doing what you enjoy doing, or he's unreceptive to you trying to get him to join you in it?

Amanda Rappuhn 12-11-2013 01:50 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Unreceptive to what I enjoy doing. I tried to get him into just the eating aspect and he was unreceptive to that, but I'm not going to control someone who wants to eat candy bars and cherry limeades because heck if I didn't have goals in mind I would be too. So that part doesn't bug me as much, but the part where he is unreceptive to me finally figuring out what gets me going really puts a damper on things.

Theresa Stephens 12-11-2013 02:34 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Amanda Rappuhn (Post 1210461)
Unreceptive to what I enjoy doing. I tried to get him into just the eating aspect and he was unreceptive to that, but I'm not going to control someone who wants to eat candy bars and cherry limeades because heck if I didn't have goals in mind I would be too. So that part doesn't bug me as much, but the part where he is unreceptive to me finally figuring out what gets me going really puts a damper on things.

This would be a no-go for me. My boyfriend and I met because of CrossFit and he's now a trainer at my gym. But if he weren't, I would never give it up due to him being unreceptive.

I CAN understand, however, being unreceptive to perhaps you talking about it all the time (if you do that, as us crazy CFers have been known to do), spending hours a day there, wrapping your social life up in your box so completely that it alienates him, etc. But if you're just giving it an hour or two of your day and you're not isolating him, I think it goes too far.

My bf LOVES motocross. I go with him sometimes and really enjoy dirt bike riding as a once a month hobby or so. But he is near rabid about it. I "let" him go when I am not interested and I'll use that as my day to do things around the gym or just sit on my butt and catch up on HGTV. People are allowed to have different interests and in fact it can be healthy.

Amanda Rappuhn 12-11-2013 02:49 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Theresa- see, what you say is exactly what I WOULD like or hope to happen. A happy balance. I definitely don't wrap my life up into it, but I am way more into nutrition and I DO get carried away at times.. Like, when I tried to trick him with cauliflower rice instead of white rice. I've really stopped that though. I can see how that would be an issue, but with crossfit and fitness relating I only am gone 1-2 hours a day then I'm back. I don't love hunting, but he enjoys it so every chance we have gotten to do hunting activities this year I've gone. I've tried to show him much more support, but I feel like it's lacking when it comes to this specific interest of mine because while some of my nutritional things are a bit much he encourages me to buy grass fed meats and non GMO products because it makes me happy and feel good. It's literally only the fitness aspect. Like I said, I tried to push one thing on him and realized it's not for everyone so I backed off, but I haven't been begging him to work out with me.

Theresa Stephens 12-11-2013 03:35 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Amanda Rappuhn (Post 1210474)
Theresa- see, what you say is exactly what I WOULD like or hope to happen. A happy balance. I definitely don't wrap my life up into it, but I am way more into nutrition and I DO get carried away at times.. Like, when I tried to trick him with cauliflower rice instead of white rice. I've really stopped that though. I can see how that would be an issue, but with crossfit and fitness relating I only am gone 1-2 hours a day then I'm back. I don't love hunting, but he enjoys it so every chance we have gotten to do hunting activities this year I've gone. I've tried to show him much more support, but I feel like it's lacking when it comes to this specific interest of mine because while some of my nutritional things are a bit much he encourages me to buy grass fed meats and non GMO products because it makes me happy and feel good. It's literally only the fitness aspect. Like I said, I tried to push one thing on him and realized it's not for everyone so I backed off, but I haven't been begging him to work out with me.

So I would just express to him that CF makes you happy and ask him to support it. Let him know you will dial back the dialogue on nutrition as long as he doesn't dog you about doing things for yourself. Of course, he can't expect you to never talk about it, but if it goes overboard it is probably not a good thing.

Maybe you could even agree to a set number of hours a week that you each get to devote to your own individual interests—say 5-8 hours per week. You could even try to find a word or phrase that lets the other know if the dialogue is getting out of hand. For example, if you're talking about macros for the 5th time in a day, he should be able to say "nutrition" and you'll know that he is tired of discussing it and it's starting to wear on him without it turning into an argument or anyone being hurt. I know it sounds silly but it works (can you tell I have been to marriage counseling before? :shrug:).

If he's still not willing to agree, I think you need to decide if this is someone that you are willing to give up this part of yourself for. Just keep in mind that today it might be CrossFit. Tomorrow it might be something bigger.

Kristin Bowers 12-11-2013 05:57 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
I like what Theresa had to say.

Remember it is extremely important to have your own interests and your own goals that have nothing to do with any significant other in your life. As soon as you give up what you enjoy you will lose a part of you. This in turn can/will make both partners significantly unhappy and unfulfilled. I know in my relationship I need something that I separate from my husband, something of my own, though id love to share CF with him he isn't interested (I'd find a separate hobby if he was)

I currently stay home (I graduate from university this week) then we move to Europe. If I didn't have something besides home and my husband I might go wicked nuts.

As CFers we tend to talk a lot about CF and that does annoy non CFers. Having your own hobby is a good thing, and he needs his own too. As Theresa said its healthy.

Amanda Rappuhn 12-11-2013 06:16 PM

Re: CF and relationships
 
Theresa- thank you so much. Your advice was actually what I was longing for. He has a distinct way of thinking so I definitely think talking about how many hours per week we should have to ourselves will actually work. I would have never thought of something that simple, yet powerful on my own.

Kristin- I completely agree. I enjoy my alone time a lot and it's not something I'm willing to just give up on. Especially when it comes to CF related activities. I definitely want to grow from this in our relationship, obviously, but I also wanted to find a way to just say to him that's it's really okay to want to do two different things, as in him wanting to go hunt and I go to the gym etc. I'm very demanding so this is something I've never wanted to come across negatively, which is why I asked for advice on this situation. I don't want to lose myself or for him to lose any potential he has with any aspect of life either. Just trying to find a way for both of us to be content with each others decisions.


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