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-   -   The "Criminals Are Schmucks" Thread... (http://board.crossfit.com/showthread.php?t=17231)

Dan Silver 05-23-2005 02:04 AM

As we have so many cops on this board who have, what I like to call, a "sense of humor," I thought I'd start a thread for us to list our best stories of criminal idiocy. Throw 'em up folks (it was either this or a word association thread, you should thank me, those are dumb).

Tonight's true account...

A seventeen year old robbery suspect (with a gun) is brought in and being kept, handcuffed to our juvenile bench. This bench is located right next to our report writing room. The suspect has been angrily demanding to know why he has been arrested since his initial detention. It's getting really annoying listening to him while I try to write the day's reports.

One of my coworkers walks past him. I hear the following:

Suspect- "Hey Officer, can I axe you something?"

Cop#1- "I don't even know why you're here, man."

Suspect- "Cuz I robbed somebody, anyways I wanted to know...."

We don't catch the smart ones.

-D.

bill fox 05-23-2005 02:59 AM

4 Juvies carjack 2 students from U of Penn at shotgun point. The U of Penn students run away to a pay phone a block away and call 911. When the officers get there 5 minutes later the guys are still in the car, about 1/2 block from the scene, learching down the street in the car because no one knows how to drive a stick.

They all get certified to be tried as adults (they were all 16 or older with Juvie records) They get 5 year mandatory sentences all around for gunpoint robbery.

Don Woodson 05-23-2005 04:42 AM

My favorite local story: A few years ago a young couple in Illinois decided to rob the local bank. Problem was, the bank was in small town of Kampsville Il. The couple grew up there. Everybody in town (and the bank) knew them. They did cover their faces with stocking caps, but everybody knew who they were anyway just from their clothing, voices and mannerisms. Then they made off in their own car, also known by everyone in town. The best part was that they made their getaway by crossing the Illinois river via very slow moving ferry. Troopers waited on other side.
They explained to the troopers that since they had crossed the river they weren't in their jurisdiction anymore, so they shouldn't be arrested.
Darwin's finest, right here in river city.

Larry Lindenman 05-23-2005 04:57 AM

Guy had sex with 2 15 year old girls. Asked to use the phone, in the squad room. Tells his wife: "I had sex with two 15 year old girls!" long pause..."No I'm not kidding!"

I'm interviewing a robbery suspect (robbed his adopted parents home and trashed it; sh#$ on the floor, keyed the car, etc); I use a technique to minimize the crime (not legally but to make it sound better to the suspect): Me: "It comes down to this John; either you took that stuff from them because you needed the money to pay for food and a place to stay OR you hate your adopted parents and you did this as a pre-planned attack on their home, to hurt them. You did it cause you needed the money, didn't you John?" John: "Na, I planned it cause I hate those motherf#$%^!"

Barry Cooper 05-23-2005 07:06 AM

I'm not a cop, but I worked for the police department in college, so I heard a lot stories.

The first time I heard "we don't catch the smart ones" was after this:

Armed robbery, they toss the gun in the bushes. They come back 30 minutes later to get the gun, the cops are still there, and the victims ID the suspects. Both are arrested.

John Walsh 05-23-2005 07:13 AM

I’m not a cop but most of my friends and family members are. I was out with my brother and 5 other guy on the force. We walked out of a bar and some skinny punk pulls out a gun demanding our wallets. Before he could get the words out 5 Glocks were pointing right back at him. If only I had a camera to get the expression on this kid’s case. He gave up his gun and took his “medicine”.

Two punks attempted to hold up my brother’s local (bar). It’s a cop bar. Take a guess what happened to the punks.

One of my best friends got fired from a job at a packy (liquor store in Bostonese). He decided he would get revenge by robbing the store. He got pretty drunk, grabbed a machete and a ski mask and walked down to the packy to rob it. Initially he was successful but he made one big mistake. He forgot to pull down the ski mask. The police were waiting for him at his house before he got home with the loot. What a dumb ***.


Matt Gagliardi 05-23-2005 07:30 AM

John, your last story just about made me fall out of my chair. It obliquely reminded me of the scene in "Boondock Saints" when Rocco is wearing his ridiculous mask, and the brothers tell him he looks like Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

Eugene R. Allen 05-23-2005 08:06 AM

Not so much a story but a line that people actually use out here in Washington when you find dope or whatever in pocket..."That ain't mine, these aren't even my pants."

John Walsh 05-23-2005 08:47 AM

Matt,

Sadly I could tell about 100 true stories like that. Boondock Saints is losely based on the neighborhood I live in here in Boston. Irish ghetto all the way.

Jeremy Bloniasz 05-23-2005 09:05 AM

Eugene,

I think I found the origin of the line "That ain't mine, I don't know how it got there". The movie Dolemite, which came out in something like 1973. That is the earliest recorded proclamation I have found thus far.

-Jeremy



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