CrossFit Discussion Board

CrossFit Discussion Board (https://board.crossfit.com/index.php)
-   Stuff and Nonsense (https://board.crossfit.com/forumdisplay.php?f=18)
-   -   Tell a joke or just laugh. (https://board.crossfit.com/showthread.php?t=78860)

Nik Nichols 11-19-2012 10:33 AM

Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
The forum is boring right now, so I though I post a joke thread.

What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Two blodes are on opposite sides of a river.
first blond looks both ways and yells to the other ''How do I get to the other side of the river?''
The other yells back''You ARE on the other side of the river!''


Rememver to keep it clean folks.

No offence to blonde people.

Nik Nichols 11-19-2012 01:21 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
You know what was a joke, it was my intensity on my workout today!! or the lack there of. :p

Joe C Thomas 11-19-2012 01:53 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Here are some quality ones...

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef

Why doesn't the University of West Florida have a football team?
Cause then Auburn might want one!!

If two folks from Alabama get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

A really smart fella from Mobile, AL, gets a full ride scholarship to Harvard. First day on campus he gets a little turned around and asks one of the professor types, "Hey, do you know where the library is at?" The professor says, "Here at Harvard we do not end sentences with a preposition. If you would like to rephrase the question, I would be happy to answer." The fella from Mobile says, "OK. Do you know where the library is at, ***hole?"

What's the difference between a yankee, and a damn yankee?
A yankee will go home!

Nik Nichols 11-19-2012 03:44 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


(I was in the Navy)

Brad Allen Jones 11-19-2012 07:54 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Ohio?

Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

:pepper:

Nik Nichols 11-20-2012 07:05 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Not a joke, but it really got me going. This girl falls in a race and gets back up to win. Great video. WFS [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXwGdExof9k[/url]

Brad Allen Jones 11-20-2012 08:40 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
You threadjacked your own thread?! :eek:
Just kidding, awesome video!

Here's one, though:

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office.

Podiatrist: Whatís the problem?

Moth: Whatís the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Linovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc I donít even know what Iím doing anymore. I donít even know if Gregory Linovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But, I donít know. I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and thereÖ

Podiatrist: Oh yeah?

Moth: Yes. At night I sometimes wake up, and I turn to some old lady in my bed thatís on my arm; a lady I once loved, doc. I donít know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria; she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc, my other boy, Gregaro Ivinolitanovitch; I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though Iím a moth, just barely hanging onto my web of everlasting fire underneath me. Iím not feeling good.

Podiatrist: Moth, man, youíre trouble. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?

Moth: ĎCuz the light was on.

Nik Nichols 11-20-2012 08:57 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Brad Allen Jones;1108883]You threadjacked your own thread?! :eek:
Just kidding, awesome video!

Here's one, though:

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office.

Podiatrist: Whatís the problem?

Moth: Whatís the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Linovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc I donít even know what Iím doing anymore. I donít even know if Gregory Linovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But, I donít know. I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and thereÖ

Podiatrist: Oh yeah?

Moth: Yes. At night I sometimes wake up, and I turn to some old lady in my bed thatís on my arm; a lady I once loved, doc. I donít know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria; she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc, my other boy, Gregaro Ivinolitanovitch; I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though Iím a moth, just barely hanging onto my web of everlasting fire underneath me. Iím not feeling good.

Podiatrist: Moth, man, youíre trouble. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?

Moth: ĎCuz the light was on.[/QUOTE]

HA Good one. Yes I jacked my own thread!!:rofl: Eh not like it was a real topic anyway!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

(texas joke)

Brad Allen Jones 11-20-2012 09:17 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Nik Nichols;1108885]HA Good one. Yes I jacked my own thread!!:rofl: Eh not like it was a real topic anyway!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

(texas joke)[/QUOTE]

In Michigan that would be to show the deer it was possible!

Nik Nichols 11-20-2012 09:29 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Brad Allen Jones;1108888]In Michigan that would be to show the deer it was possible![/QUOTE]

Right! In canada it would be moose. Makes me kind of glad to be in texas. We get deer, but not to much where I'm at.

Brad Allen Jones 11-20-2012 09:45 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.

"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"

"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.

"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

Phil Griffin 11-20-2012 11:53 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
You know why Santa Claus is always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls are.

SP 11-20-2012 01:29 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
My new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.

Blair Robert Lowe 11-20-2012 08:12 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Wow, I really like that Santa Claus one.

Brad Allen Jones 11-20-2012 08:14 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
These are some of the worst jokes I've ever read haha, including my own.

Here are some JFWodFather.com, he's pretty funny.

If you proudly show off your skinned knees and don't care that it makes you look like a (expletive).....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you roll out of bed in the morning, realize that you can't walk, and it makes you happy.....you might be a CrossFitter.
When you show off the rips in your palms to people just to make them cringe.....you might be a CrossFitter
When the time you spend laying on the floor after the WOD takes longer than the WOD itself.....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you get an urgent need to pee exactly ten seconds before the WOD starts.....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you have ever had enough tape on your hands to hold a bad marriage together.....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you have ever rolled around on a foam roller while saying "Who's your daddy?"....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you own five different tubs of protein powder and hate the taste of them all.....you might be a CrossFitter
When you can't fix a leaky faucet but you can tape two lacrosse balls together like a boss.....you might be a CrossFitter.
When you make your kids do "penalty burpees" for not cleaning their room.....you might be a CrossFitter
If you have ever screamed after using hand sanitizer.....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you have ever texted someone a picture of the WOD times so they know you kicked their a$$.....you might be a CrossFitter.
When you don't know who your congressman is but you know Rich Froning's "Fran" time.....you might be a CrossFitter.
Once you puke more than a 16 yr old girl with bulimia.....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you can't say "Fran" without also saying "I hate that B****!"....you might be a CrossFitter.
If you refer to dating fat people as "RXing".....you might be a CrossFitter.
If when you have $ex you get excited that you finished first then bump knuckles and say "Good work!"....you might be a CrossFitter.
When you take a nap you refer to it a 3 rounds of pillow hugs for time...
You complain about prices at Target but will gladly pay $60 for a tank top at Lululemon...
If you've ever shouted "No Rep!" during $ex...you might be a CrossFitter.

Some are better than others, but they're all relevant and probably true...

David Meverden 11-20-2012 08:26 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Nik Nichols;1108699]One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


(I was in the Navy)[/QUOTE]

I'm stealing this one! (I work with a bunch of navy guys).

I also like the Thesaurus one. :)

Milton Brisson 11-20-2012 08:45 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Nik Nichols;1108893]Right! In canada it would be moose. Makes me kind of glad to be in texas. We get deer, but not to much where I'm at.[/QUOTE]

I'll you what, when moose get on the road, you stop! Car vs. moose, even pick-up vs. moose. Moose wins that one! EVERY. TIME.

Milton Brisson 11-20-2012 08:46 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Brad Allen Jones;1108883]You threadjacked your own thread?! :eek:
Just kidding, awesome video!

Here's one, though:

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office.

Podiatrist: Whatís the problem?

Moth: Whatís the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Linovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc I donít even know what Iím doing anymore. I donít even know if Gregory Linovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But, I donít know. I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and thereÖ

Podiatrist: Oh yeah?

Moth: Yes. At night I sometimes wake up, and I turn to some old lady in my bed thatís on my arm; a lady I once loved, doc. I donít know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria; she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc, my other boy, Gregaro Ivinolitanovitch; I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though Iím a moth, just barely hanging onto my web of everlasting fire underneath me. Iím not feeling good.

Podiatrist: Moth, man, youíre trouble. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?

Moth: ĎCuz the light was on.[/QUOTE]

Best shaggy dog story EVER!!!!!! Thanks for sharing!

Milton Brisson 11-20-2012 08:48 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Struan Potter;1108955]My new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.[/QUOTE]

:rofl::highfive: Nice!!!!!

I hate being bi-polar! Its awesome!!!!

Blair Robert Lowe 11-20-2012 10:01 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
None of those CF jokes are really funny...at all. Mildy but barely worth an honorable mention.

keep trying.

Frances Ballesteros 11-21-2012 03:45 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Phil Griffin;1108927]You know why Santa Claus is always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls are.[/QUOTE]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Nik Nichols 11-21-2012 08:02 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Cool crossfit ones Brad. Loved it.

Nik Nichols 11-21-2012 09:02 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A: A poultrygeist!

bad I know but fits the holiday. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Brad Allen Jones 11-21-2012 09:16 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Thanks Blair. You're input was much needed....:notworth:
If you don't like them we don't need to know, we realize they aren't that good.

Here's a joke about how sad I am that Blair doesn't approve of this thread.

What's an advantage to Major Depression?
You never have to make your bed, since you're always in it.

Brad Allen Jones 11-21-2012 09:18 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Nik Nichols;1109176]Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A: A poultrygeist!

bad I know but fits the holiday. Happy thanksgiving everyone![/QUOTE]

I think them being so bad makes them even more funny haha.

Jeff Enge 11-21-2012 10:56 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
I'm a connoisseur of terrible jokes!

Two men were stuck wandering in a desert. They had been lost long enough that they'd run out of food and were starving. Then, in the distance, they see a tree. As they get closer, they can see that the "fruit" on this tree is some kind of... meat. Curious, but afraid that the tree is simply a mirage, one of the men runs toward it ahead of the other. As he nears the tree, natives suddely jump out from behind and shoot him full of arrows. With his last breath, he yells to his companion:

"Run away! It's not a Bacon Tree, it's a Ham Bush!"

Brad Allen Jones 11-21-2012 11:13 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Jeff Enge;1109213]I'm a connoisseur of terrible jokes!

Two men were stuck wandering in a desert. They had been lost long enough that they'd run out of food and were starving. Then, in the distance, they see a tree. As they get closer, they can see that the "fruit" on this tree is some kind of... meat. Curious, but afraid that the tree is simply a mirage, one of the men runs toward it ahead of the other. As he nears the tree, natives suddely jump out from behind and shoot him full of arrows. With his last breath, he yells to his companion:

"Run away! It's not a Bacon Tree, it's a Ham Bush!"[/QUOTE]

Brilliant!

Nik Nichols 11-21-2012 01:12 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Brad Allen Jones;1109183]I think them being so bad makes them even more funny haha.[/QUOTE]

Exactly!

Brad Allen Jones 11-21-2012 05:21 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Little Johnny asks his dad for a TV in his room. He reluctantly agrees. Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.
:whistlin:

Josh Deets 11-26-2012 01:31 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Jeff Enge;1109213]I'm a connoisseur of terrible jokes!

Two men were stuck wandering in a desert. They had been lost long enough that they'd run out of food and were starving. Then, in the distance, they see a tree. As they get closer, they can see that the "fruit" on this tree is some kind of... meat. Curious, but afraid that the tree is simply a mirage, one of the men runs toward it ahead of the other. As he nears the tree, natives suddely jump out from behind and shoot him full of arrows. With his last breath, he yells to his companion:

"Run away! It's not a Bacon Tree, it's a Ham Bush!"[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Brad Allen Jones;1109301]Little Johnny asks his dad for a TV in his room. He reluctantly agrees. Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.
:whistlin:[/QUOTE]


:rofl:

A man walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks.

Pearse Shields 11-26-2012 03:04 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Josh Deets;1110112]:rofl:

A man walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks.[/QUOTE]

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd figure one of them would have seen it coming.

Brad Allen Jones 11-26-2012 11:37 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Heard this one on comedy central and had to share it, so I looked it up, its by Jamie Lissow.

[QUOTE]I like working out, but I can't stand the characters in the public gym. No matter what city I'm in, there's always the same people in there. There's always that one guy that's figured out the quickest way to look real big without actually training with weights is to squeeze his weird body into the smallest shirt he could possibly find. And you see him in there, and you're like, 'Damn, Bobby, you're looking huge! Wait a minute, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?'[/QUOTE]

Typical Globo gym...

Jeff Enge 11-26-2012 07:10 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Pearse Shields;1110116]Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd figure one of them would have seen it coming.[/QUOTE]

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

"Damn!"

...That one goes better told verbally. Homophones...

Brad Allen Jones 11-27-2012 11:46 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a ***** outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

I'll be here all night folks. :rofl:

Nik Nichols 11-28-2012 11:29 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Brad Allen Jones 11-29-2012 11:34 AM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Nik Nichols 11-29-2012 12:50 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
Nice one Brad.

Nik Nichols 11-29-2012 12:50 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender asks ''Why the long face?''

Joe C Thomas 11-29-2012 01:12 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
A man walks into a bar with a zebra. Walks up to the bar and starts pounding shots of tequila. For every shot the man took, the zebra took 3. After about an hour the zebra passes out and sprawls out on the floor. The man stands up and starts walking towards the door.

The bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin there!"

The man says, "Dude, it's a Zebra!"

Brad Allen Jones 11-29-2012 01:38 PM

Re: Tell a joke or just laugh.
 
[QUOTE=Nik Nichols;1111061]A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender asks ''Why the long face?''[/QUOTE]

Hahah the name of this thread should now be "bar jokes".

[QUOTE=Joe C Thomas;1111068]A man walks into a bar with a zebra. Walks up to the bar and starts pounding shots of tequila. For every shot the man took, the zebra took 3. After about an hour the zebra passes out and sprawls out on the floor. The man stands up and starts walking towards the door.

The bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin there!"

The man says, "Dude, it's a Zebra!"[/QUOTE]

This one...wow!

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:52 PM.


CrossFit is a registered trademark of CrossFit Inc.