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-   -   The "Criminals Are Schmucks" Thread... (http://board.crossfit.com/showthread.php?t=17231)

Dan Silver 05-23-2005 02:04 AM

As we have so many cops on this board who have, what I like to call, a "sense of humor," I thought I'd start a thread for us to list our best stories of criminal idiocy. Throw 'em up folks (it was either this or a word association thread, you should thank me, those are dumb).

Tonight's true account...

A seventeen year old robbery suspect (with a gun) is brought in and being kept, handcuffed to our juvenile bench. This bench is located right next to our report writing room. The suspect has been angrily demanding to know why he has been arrested since his initial detention. It's getting really annoying listening to him while I try to write the day's reports.

One of my coworkers walks past him. I hear the following:

Suspect- "Hey Officer, can I axe you something?"

Cop#1- "I don't even know why you're here, man."

Suspect- "Cuz I robbed somebody, anyways I wanted to know...."

We don't catch the smart ones.

-D.

bill fox 05-23-2005 02:59 AM

4 Juvies carjack 2 students from U of Penn at shotgun point. The U of Penn students run away to a pay phone a block away and call 911. When the officers get there 5 minutes later the guys are still in the car, about 1/2 block from the scene, learching down the street in the car because no one knows how to drive a stick.

They all get certified to be tried as adults (they were all 16 or older with Juvie records) They get 5 year mandatory sentences all around for gunpoint robbery.

Don Woodson 05-23-2005 04:42 AM

My favorite local story: A few years ago a young couple in Illinois decided to rob the local bank. Problem was, the bank was in small town of Kampsville Il. The couple grew up there. Everybody in town (and the bank) knew them. They did cover their faces with stocking caps, but everybody knew who they were anyway just from their clothing, voices and mannerisms. Then they made off in their own car, also known by everyone in town. The best part was that they made their getaway by crossing the Illinois river via very slow moving ferry. Troopers waited on other side.
They explained to the troopers that since they had crossed the river they weren't in their jurisdiction anymore, so they shouldn't be arrested.
Darwin's finest, right here in river city.

Larry Lindenman 05-23-2005 04:57 AM

Guy had sex with 2 15 year old girls. Asked to use the phone, in the squad room. Tells his wife: "I had sex with two 15 year old girls!" long pause..."No I'm not kidding!"

I'm interviewing a robbery suspect (robbed his adopted parents home and trashed it; sh#$ on the floor, keyed the car, etc); I use a technique to minimize the crime (not legally but to make it sound better to the suspect): Me: "It comes down to this John; either you took that stuff from them because you needed the money to pay for food and a place to stay OR you hate your adopted parents and you did this as a pre-planned attack on their home, to hurt them. You did it cause you needed the money, didn't you John?" John: "Na, I planned it cause I hate those motherf#$%^!"

Barry Cooper 05-23-2005 07:06 AM

I'm not a cop, but I worked for the police department in college, so I heard a lot stories.

The first time I heard "we don't catch the smart ones" was after this:

Armed robbery, they toss the gun in the bushes. They come back 30 minutes later to get the gun, the cops are still there, and the victims ID the suspects. Both are arrested.

John Walsh 05-23-2005 07:13 AM

I’m not a cop but most of my friends and family members are. I was out with my brother and 5 other guy on the force. We walked out of a bar and some skinny punk pulls out a gun demanding our wallets. Before he could get the words out 5 Glocks were pointing right back at him. If only I had a camera to get the expression on this kid’s case. He gave up his gun and took his “medicine”.

Two punks attempted to hold up my brother’s local (bar). It’s a cop bar. Take a guess what happened to the punks.

One of my best friends got fired from a job at a packy (liquor store in Bostonese). He decided he would get revenge by robbing the store. He got pretty drunk, grabbed a machete and a ski mask and walked down to the packy to rob it. Initially he was successful but he made one big mistake. He forgot to pull down the ski mask. The police were waiting for him at his house before he got home with the loot. What a dumb ***.


Matt Gagliardi 05-23-2005 07:30 AM

John, your last story just about made me fall out of my chair. It obliquely reminded me of the scene in "Boondock Saints" when Rocco is wearing his ridiculous mask, and the brothers tell him he looks like Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

Eugene R. Allen 05-23-2005 08:06 AM

Not so much a story but a line that people actually use out here in Washington when you find dope or whatever in pocket..."That ain't mine, these aren't even my pants."

John Walsh 05-23-2005 08:47 AM

Matt,

Sadly I could tell about 100 true stories like that. Boondock Saints is losely based on the neighborhood I live in here in Boston. Irish ghetto all the way.

Jeremy Bloniasz 05-23-2005 09:05 AM

Eugene,

I think I found the origin of the line "That ain't mine, I don't know how it got there". The movie Dolemite, which came out in something like 1973. That is the earliest recorded proclamation I have found thus far.

-Jeremy


bill fox 05-23-2005 09:17 AM

How about this from a proffer (the defendant coming in to tell me what really happened in hopes of getting a deal)In reference to the cops testimony about observing the defendant in a warehouse/crackhouse.

"I wasn't there, I aint' never been up in there, and no way could that cop see me in there from where he says he was at."

About 10 minutes later he came clean after I left the room and his frustrated attorney read him the riot act.

Ron Nelson 05-23-2005 10:41 AM

Bill can tell you, being a criminal defense attorney is a tough job even though he's on the other side of the bench.
I worked in the juvenile division of the PD's office before passing the bar. Almost all of our "clients" were innocent by their accounts. Only one thing prevented them from getting off; their mouth. As Shrek said, "you have the right to remain silent; unfortunately you lack the capacity!"

Barry Cooper 05-23-2005 11:16 AM

Ron White said that too.

"I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my butt, but I knew how many they were going to use. . ."

Don Woodson 05-23-2005 11:50 AM

I just remembered a conversation I had a few years ago with a young lady in a bar. I'd never met her before, and I don't know why, but she decided to tell me of her woes.
She tells me how the police raided her home and found some dope. She said something about, "just because I have people coming and going all the time, is no reason for the neighbors to call the police".
I don't remember all of it, but she was really starting to get upset and found my shoulder a good one to cry on. She kept right on talking, incriminating herself with every word. I even got her to admit to me that she was indeed guilty of said charges. At the end of her ranting about her "injustice", I asked her, "So..., what makes you think I'm not a cop?"

I'm not of course, but you should've seen the look on her face. Priceless. She took off like a scalded dog.

bill fox 05-23-2005 12:16 PM

Ron

I was in the Juvi "special defense unit" (MEANING REALLY GUILTY OF REALLY BAD STUFF)at the PDs office before I switched sides, so I know.

Bill

Ron Nelson 05-23-2005 12:48 PM

Bill,
I knew you were alright!

Don,
You spend (or spent) a lot of time in bars!
Not that I haven't. . .

Dan Silver 05-23-2005 01:56 PM

Last year a carjacking/homicide happened in my old district. The two suspects shot another man in the head so they could take his new, dark colored Lexus. The call came out and my partner and I responded. As we got close we saw a dark colored Lexus run a red light at about fifty miles an hour, a block from the crime scene. My partner and I followed. The Lexus took off from us and got on the freeway. The chase was on.

We were going so fast that no other units from SF were able to catch us. The speedometer in our vehicles tops out at 120MPH. The speedo was all the way over for most of the chase. Still, we couldn't keep up with the Lexus. After crossing the Bay Bridge in, what seemed like, seconds we finally lost the Lexus in the Macarthur Maze (a mix of on-ramps, off-ramps, overpasses, etc. that is immediatley after the Bay Bridge).

Heartbroken at loosing the suspects in such an hideous crime and still pretty terrified by the hair-raising chase, we limped back to San Francisco. Half way back to our district we heard one of our units transmit that they had the carjacked vehicle, the murder weapon and both suspects in custody, three blocks from the crime scene. Apparently, during our chase, we even drove by them and they still didn't leave. I still can't figure this one out, it was an automatic and it had gas. Nice of them to wait though.

-D.

Michael Keller 05-23-2005 06:42 PM

My partner and I were chasing a doper through the projects and into the woods. I yelled at my partner to let the dog go. He gave it his best bark and growl. The guy surrendered. We didn't have a dog.:rofl:

A burglar broke into one of our local dive bars that was closed overnight. We found out the next morning when the employees opened up and his feet were dangling over the grill. He was stuck in the ventilation pipe that ran up to the roof.

I was working an alarm call at an Arby's. I discovered that someone had entered the restaurant through a roof vent (restaurant was closed). I noticed the guys ladder moving and he began climbing up to the roof. I let him get almost to the top and unleashed a faceful of pepper spray on him. He fell off the ladder and dove through the double doors into the dining room--into the mouth of the K-9.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now.

Brad Hirakawa 05-23-2005 08:07 PM

I'm not a cop. Better that way, because I think all the bad guys should die.

Regardless... a guy jumped over my fence, I'm guessing to see what was in my garage. I was. Just finished dry-fire practice with my Glock. He left.

Brad

Ted Williams 05-24-2005 06:42 AM

Serving a search warrant about 6 months ago...we had a couple to do on this day, for this case. Turns out our team leader for the site I was on had given away our entry gear (key and hulligan bar)...but he's a bigass dude, I mean BIG dude....

We stack at the door, he knocks and announces...covered windows at the front door, and one corner is lifted up with a pair of beedy eyes looking back at us. Then it disappears.

Our TL yells "He's running!" and starts BASHING down the door with is body. Takes him maybe 2 seconds to crack the door in half, then kick out the bottom of the door...we flow into the place. There are bedrooms to the right, and a family room to the left.

I just remember stopping for a fraction of a second because something was weird...then keep going to the left. Clear the dining room and kitchen, then I'm outside (out the back)...looking back at the house...and there's glass everywhere. I realize that the back window is broken...then I hear yelling and see 4 of our perimeter locals dealing with one of the guys on the ground.

Turns out Mr Smartypants saw our bigass guy at the door, decided to run...we knocked the door, the noise I heard was him running, jumping and doing the "Superman" out the back bedroom window (thankfully for him, they hadn't put in double pane glass yet like the rest of the house) and landing on a bike, lawn mower and back seat of a mini van. He then tried to get up and run, but was blocked by the barrel of the local's MP5....at which point he proceeded to **** his pants. Hilarious.


Eugene R. Allen 05-24-2005 08:14 AM

SWAT callout for a guy who pointed a gun out his front door at a pair of deputies making a traffic stop in front of his house. All of these things happened during a single callout:

1. I ran down the street to our box van to get some bolt cutters to get through a front gate. The only ones I could find were about 4 feet long. Difficult to carry with all my weapons and gear and I waddled up to the gate with another operator who held the little tiny lock between the gate bars (completely exposed to the house) and delicately cut with the huge cutters. A light came on and we ran away and hid behind a dirt pile which we discovered was actually beauty bark. Not good cover.

2. The team leader took nearly 20 shots with a pellet gun at a light that would not go out...at least it would not stay out. It kept flicking back to life.

3. We got the OK for gas and to break some windows for ventilation. Everyone on the team stoned the house for 10 minutes.

4. We deployed our hot box (nicknamed Marilyn) which is an ammo can with holes with an incendiary CS grenade inside. Shield team of 4 made way for the door...uh ohh, light came on again. We backed out. Light went off. Sneaky moto approach again...ahhhh...the light. We backed off. Motion sensor.

5. Gas guy uses Shot Lok door breaching round but the round was a dud and went tink...tink..tink..tinktinktink plop out the end of the barrel. So did the second round and we were all cracking up right there at the door.

6. Team leader goes to ram the door but uses the wrong end and goes through the glass and wood lattice to his armpit. We got his arm back out, laughed ourselves silly as we stepped inside and dropped off Marilyn and laughed all the way back to our near cover.

7. We got to use an Air Farce remote controlled robot to check out the house and find the bad guy...we thought he might have shot himself by this time...somebody heard a pop and we were getting no response from the gas. The robot got caught up on the lawn, its own cable, a Doritos bag and a throw pillow. We had to run up and free it each of those times.

As it turned out the bad guy blew his brains out with a .45. This call prompted a rather lengthy poem from me at the Christmas party.

Jonathan Kessler 05-24-2005 08:42 AM

I am not a cop. Nor do I play one on TV. But I was awakened by a phone call from the SWAT team once...
Way back in the '80's I was renting an "in law unit" (separate entrance, etc.) in a house at the time, and my landlord was crazy. Nice guy (a doctor who ran a low cost health clinic, never turned anyone away, good heart...), but a little crazy. Well, more than a little. He and his girlfriend had driven down to TJ for the weekend, gotten back about 4 am. His gf's parent's came by to check in (because they hadn't heard from her all weekend or some such) about 7 am, knocked at the door and wouldn't go away. He responded by firing a .22 through the door. I had slept through all this.
So I'm awakened at 8 am by a call from the SWAT team on my phone line. They had the house surrounded, and my landlord wasn't answering his phone. So we talk, and let them know that I'll be coming out of the house with my bass guitar (had a gig that day). So I come out. SWAT team snipers in the trees. The whole thing is more than alittle surreal. I go next door to the neighbor's house where they've set up their post. The Dr. is still not answering his phone, no communication. I offer to go in and talk to him, 'cos to me he's just my landlord. The SWAT guys are surprised, since to them he's an armed and dangerous guy (good perspective, that). Anyway, I go up to the door, yell in that it's me, and he lets me in. He and his GF are inside making breakfast, pretending that nothing is happening!!! I explain that the SWAT team has the place surrounded, there are snipers in the trees, the phone ringing is the cops and hey, man, you've really got to talk to these guys or things will get bad. So he calmly finishes breakfast and then answers the phone and deals with the police...
Very surreal, at least for me, but much happier ending than some of these other stories.
And I was really pleasantly surprised at the professionalism of the SWAT team, in their interactions with a 20-something long haired hippie musician (me) during the event.
JK

Dan Silver 05-24-2005 01:41 PM

It's a toss-up but, Jonathan and Eugene, those are two of the funniest stories I've ever read.

-D.

Lynne Pitts 05-24-2005 03:06 PM

We got to use an Air Farce remote ...

I'll trust that's a typo... You don't bust on my service and I won't start with the donut cracks, 'k??

William Hunter 05-24-2005 05:12 PM

G'damn! That Lin Pitz doesn't miss a thing!

HSPU's are on their way.

Eugene R. Allen 05-24-2005 05:42 PM

Sorry Lynne, I was not specific enough with my depreciative comment. I made it Air Force wide rather than specific to the 3rd world POS we had to endure with that callout. I wasn't kidding about what thwarted the robot. The lawn stopped it and a Doritos bag got hung up in the tread somehow and I actually had to go inside the house and pull the bag out of the tread runner. It did eventually serve us by showing us the guy's brains on the wall (a fairly reliable indicator of a non-combatant) and allowing us a bit of foreknowledge as to layout and (lack of) threat...so it wasn't a total bust. Squids, Jarheads, Air Farce, Flatfoot - pet names my friends and I have for each other's military flavor. I meant no bust.

Ted Williams 05-24-2005 06:15 PM

Yeah Eugene takes it....that's damn funny. My suicide story isn't nearly as funny as that. Darn it all.

"Send in the robot to fix the robot!" :rofl:

David Wood 05-24-2005 07:04 PM

I used to live in Downtown San Jose, way back in the late 70's, before it was rehabilitated. We used to refer to it as the "wine country" for all the drunks and winos.

One afternoon I'm napping in my (ground-floor) apartment and someone tries to break in by smashing one of the small panes in the window directly over the bed where I'm sleeping. When he reached in through the broken window to undo the latch I just grabbed his hand and ran his wrist along the broken glass left in the frame.

He vanished . . .

Coach 05-24-2005 09:47 PM

Alright, Eug, let's here the poem!

Lynne Pitts 05-25-2005 12:54 AM

Thanks, Eugene.
Among my cross-service buds, we all insult each other too, but I wouldn't put a blanket insult out there on a public site...BUT I can appreciate your frustration with the robot.

Of course, it could have been the fault of the remote-control operator who wasn't driving it around those daunting obstacles...:wink:

Dan Silver 05-25-2005 02:22 AM

Yesterday my partner and I start the shift by trying to sneak a little trip to a sporting goods store in the neighboring district. While approaching a railroad overpass, my partner states the following:

"That guy is naked, Dan."

I look up on the overpass. Naked white guy (well, he had socks on and a rubber band-like "adjunct") is standing on the railroad bridge, waving at us.

My partner and I detain naked man. We ask him, exactly what he was doing. He replies:

"I'm a nudist...


And I like trains."

Oh.

-D.

Don Woodson 05-25-2005 05:18 AM

Gotta be Dan's cruiser:

http://www.crossfit.com/discus/messages/3499/10475.jpg

Lincoln Brigham 05-25-2005 09:22 AM

Dan's new tag line:
[face=verdana,arial,helvetica]"I like trains"[/face]

Jeff Martin 05-25-2005 10:13 AM

Dan has all the best material.

Don Woodson 05-25-2005 10:52 AM

Today's maroon:
http://www.al.com/search/index.ssf?/base/news/1116926234232060.xml?birminghamnew s?ncrime&coll=2

Don Woodson 05-25-2005 10:55 AM

And it looks like Dan's guy escaped to Philly:
http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/ne...93396.html#121

Tom Schneitter 05-25-2005 11:06 AM

Dan
That nudist is sooooooooo representative of Saaaaaannnnn Frannnnnnnnciscoooooo. Perhaps he tired of the beutiful view found at Baker Beach.

Tom Schneitter 05-25-2005 11:09 AM

That's beautiful. I must work on checking for errors prior to posting.

Dan Silver 05-25-2005 12:50 PM

Tom, I thought that was written inflection.

That news story kills me. Only in a small town would something like a naked guy make the paper. I can say, with assurance, that there are at least 23 naked guys currently exposing themselves, in public, in the San Francisco area.

That's why the real estate costs are so high here...

The view.

-D.

Ron Nelson 05-25-2005 01:24 PM

"Idiots: That's what works for us," Chambliss said (from Don's original link)
I think this says it all.

Dammit! Dan is on a roll!

and I like trains


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