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-   -   The "Criminals Are Schmucks" Thread... (http://board.crossfit.com/showthread.php?t=17231)

Eric Moffit 06-01-2005 04:40 PM

man, i just used "worst...form...ever" in my WOD posting. i guess everyones in a Simpsons state of mind.

Ron Nelson 06-01-2005 06:32 PM

Just look at our avitars for the "shared mind theory."

Eric Moffit 06-01-2005 06:36 PM

trueness

Dan Silver 06-03-2005 11:22 PM

Son (24) attacks his mother (55) and nearly breaks several of her fingers by bending them back as he holds her down, on the bed, and screams at her. Mom calls 911 but won't talk to the police, simply saying that there was an altercation and that she doesn't want her son arrested. Mom just wants son to move out now.

Several hours later, son calls the police for a citizen standby, as he needs to get his belongings and doesn't want any trouble. Son tells the 911 dispatcher "I hit my mom earlier." We get there, see injuries to mom's hand. Ask mom, now calm, what happened. Mom tells us the story.

Son is now in jail.

-D.

Eric Moffit 06-04-2005 09:08 AM

that punk obviously hasnt seen this...

http://www.ifilm.com/WMPPlaylist.asx...&bandwidth=300

Eugene R. Allen 06-05-2005 06:00 PM

Long ago I went to a call with my partner about a vandalism a la pellet gun vs car window. Not much for us to do be comfort the old couple and fill them in on how to take car of the window so it wouldn't shower all those little pellets of glass all over the inside of the car. The pellet went straight through and made a neat little hole, but only spiderwebbed the rest of the window. I spent at least 3 minutes telling them about using tape to hold the window intact and then to push it outward or gently open the door and hold a box under it and push it inward to limit the mess inside the car. They were so appreciative of the time I took and I felt like such the community service hero.

I slammed the front door closed and the rear door window glass collapsed inward all over the back seat and floor. Huge mess. My partner could hardly contain himself and after nearly falling to the ground he stumbled back to our car, got inside and shielded himself from my stupidity by closing the door. I could hear him sheaking in laughter from 40 feet away inside the car.

I said something like, "Ahhh, sorry. Vacuum I guess. Bye." Whenever I gave my partner the least bit of trouble about anything he did he just looked at me and slammed the car door and I had nothing much else to say.

Ron Nelson 06-05-2005 07:01 PM

Diddy,
Priceless video.
Treat her right, treat your momma right!

Eugene R. Allen 06-06-2005 07:58 PM

SWAT buddies Brian and Scott (Black Knight and Samson) were recently in New Jersey for a 2-week welcome to the Coast Guard course. They didn't do any PT save for a PT test and they had to plea for gym time.

In the gym for the second of many CF type workouts Brian was waiting to start his 5th circuit of FGB. A chubs on an exercise bicycle having seen Brian going through his CF inspired torture a time or two before sat and spun gently with curiosity but not inspiration. As Brian created a near vacuum around him recovering from rounds 1 through 4, lard boy actually said; "Hey Brian - what do you guys do for cardio?"

It was only fatigue that kept Brian from laughing and he said, "Lemme get back with you on that as he began his 5th round." When he was done he asked bicycle boy what he thought a person would look like that had done an intense cardio workout. Plump bottom says, "Well, heavy breathing, sweating, red faced, trouble speaking, you know really out of breath and tired." Brian tilted his head a bit (that was editorial, I have no idea of Brian really tilted his head) and said, "Any of that look familiar?" as he pointed to his red faced, heavy breathing, sweating, trouble speaking, really out of breath and tired self. Lumpy says, "Oh yeah. I guess that was kind of a dumb question." Yup.

There are no dumb questions. Just dumb people.

Matt Gagliardi 06-07-2005 05:38 PM

OK...in the spirit of true schmuckdom:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/n...aw-border.html

A picture of the alleged criminal:
http://www.crossfit.com/discus/messages/3499/10831.jpg

The picture alone scares the hell out of me.

Eugene R. Allen 06-07-2005 06:24 PM

Google Darwin Awards for some great stories. This is my all time favorite but unfortunately I just learned this was debunked. Still a great story.

Jet Assisted Take-Off
1995 Darwin Awards Winner
Confirmed Bogus by Darwin

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-****."


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